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I want to disappear. i want to turn myself inside out so that this soft, malleable physical is hidden away at the core, nestled safely beneath the roaring emptiness that sits inside my chest. i will take it and wrap it around myself, an impenetrable barrier of nothingness between myself and the world. i will hibernate under the weight of the void. i want to be utterly invisible.   
Don't dwell on the past. your history can't be erased, but
your future has yet to be written. make the most of what's
going to happen instead of worrying about what you can't
change. don't waste your time being sad, because you're
wasting away moments in which you could be happy.   
first icon made by: msmegibeth [: "Don't you sometimes wonder if it's worth all this? I mean what you're fighting for."
--"You might as well question why we breathe. If we stop breathing, we'll die. If we stop fighting our enemies, the world will die."
"Well, what of it? It'll be out of its misery."
--"You know how you sound, Mr. Blaine? Like a man who's trying to convince himself of something who doesn't believe in his heart."   
The miracle of life itself - why people live and die, why they hurt and get hurt - is still a mystery. We want to know the reason, the secret, the answer at the back of the book because the thought of us being all alone down here is just too much for us to bear, but at the end of the day, the fact that we show up for each other in spite of our differences, no matter what we believe, is reason enough to keep believing.
-Grey's Anatomy.   
Trouble's what you're in, in that dress that's as black as my heart on this train.
Trouble's what you're in, trouble with those lips that's as red as the blood in my veins.
Trouble, you know it.   
“…but it occurred to me there, I realized that I had spent the last 2 weeks away from most of my habits. TV was in a language I didn’t understand. There was nothing to buy, no advertisements anywhere. So, all I’ve been doing was…walk around, think, and write. My brain felt like it was at rest, free from the consuming frenzy. And I have to say, it was almost like a natural high. I felt so peaceful inside, no…strange urge to be somewhere else, to shop…Maybe it could have seemed like boredom at first, but it quickly became very, very soulful. It’s interesting, you know?”
-Before Sunset   
sorry.. short update. and haven't posted in a while.
start to summer.. so far so good. :) my 16th birthday was last week.. but i don't feel much older.
i cut my hair yesterday... its the shortest i've ever had it. (about shoulder length) but i love it!
not a whole lot going on.
hopefully i'll post again soon!
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| Today, i took a big sip of water while on a bus. It went down the wrong pipe causing me to cough loudly. The old woman sitting across from asked if i was okay. Jokingly, I said "Yeah, just dying.." She replied, "You too, huh?" -www.fmylife.com :]   
A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.
- Roald Dahl, The Twits   
"strong is fighting. it's hard and it's painful, and it's everyday. it's what we have to do, and we can do it together.
but if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. if i can't convince you that you belong in this world, then i don't know what can.
but do not expect me to watch, and don't expect me to mourn for you."   
“One of the first principles of applied mindism is to never let negative feelings block the path to your goal. Otherwise you are always sinking back into discouragement.”
-The Fortune   
Sex can be fun when you're old enough, which none of you are. I should
know. When you lose it to some guy named Junior with bad breath in the
back of a van at a gun's n roses concert, you're going to wish you had
listened to your mother when she said, "They're not going to want to
buy the whole friggin ice cream truck when you're handing out the
popsicles for free!"
-Never Been Kissed   
Sometimes my trouble gets so thick, I can't see how Im gonna get through it, but then I'd rather be stuck up in a tree then be tied to it. There is so much more. I don't feel comfortable with the way my clothes fit, I can't get used to my body's limits. I got some fancy shoes to try and giggle away these blues, they cost a lot of money but they arent worth a thing. I wanna free my feet from the broken glass and concrete. I need to get out of this city.   
He said, "girl you're a wreck and you must be confused.
As we both know the grounds no place for you.
Angels fly, not fall in love."
I said, "Boy you're a mess, you must be confused
as we both see the ground's stuck in my shoes.
Boy you're a crash that hasn't happened yet.
And I am the concrete just happy we met."   
i sift through my pockets;
the receipts, the bus schedules,
the matchbook phone numbers.
the urgent napkin poems,
all of which laundering has rendered
pulpy and strange.
ask me, go ahead, ask me if i care.
i have the answer here,
i wrote it down somewhere.   
~ oh boy. lots to do lately. first off: exams start in three days [not including my tech exam tomorrow!].
i have science on thursday. and math on friday. AH!
second: JOB HUNT. i had an interview last friday, but so far nothing.
even though exams should be stressful, i'm feeling somewhat relieved since its the end of the year. and summer is around the corner! i'm going to see no doubt/paramore on friday and the fray/jacks mannequin next tuesday. both of these PLUS the warm weather are keeping me going at the moment.
i've also been reading the harry potter series for the first time. i just finished the fourth book and love them! very excited for the 6th movie on JULY 15th. hope all is well with everyone [: | | |
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"Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won’t know for twenty years. And you’ll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it’s what you create. Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn’t really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved. And the truth is I’m so angry and the truth is I’m so fucking sad, and the truth is I’ve been so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long have been pretending I’m OK, just to get along, just for, I don’t know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own, and their own is too overwhelming to allow them to listen to or care about mine. Well, fuck everybody. Amen."
-Minister, Synecdoche, New York      
The more you get to know a person,
the more attractive they become to you.
Because everything beautiful you see on
the inside of them, suddenly you're able
to see on the outside of them too. "So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.
And maybe we'll never know most of them.
But even if we don't have the power
to choose where we come from,
we can still choose where we go from there.
We can still do things."
-The Perks of Being A Wallflower      
I have a heart like a child
and my mind's like its mother
tries to tell it what's right
but my heart just won't bother
-Tantrum - Stacie Orrico That great everyday magic is discovering those who are strong enough to catch you.
Those who care enough to reach out their arms and cushion your fall. And I think that's what’s so wonderful about life - you never know when you'll stumble upon these kinds of marvelous people, or when they'll stumble onto you. And as terrifying as it sounds, the greatest thing that could ever happen to us is to slip up in the wind and float down into that fall. Because you never know who will be
waiting for you at the bottom. 
i'm not quite sure what to do right now. one of my best guy friends has a girlfriend who keeps blaming me for their problems. i don't think it is as simple as that. because nothing ever is. but i feel terrible about it. he says he won't stop talking to me just because it bothers her. but i don't want to be a partial reason for their problems. he keeps saying its her issues and not my fault. any advice!? :] | | |
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time does nothing, it distorts but it doesn't diminish. past and present are equal. no, the past is a seed that expands in water and envelopes the present, swallows it. the past supercedes. the past catches up with the present, tackles it, pulls it down.
  
The value of a shirt is extrinsic. It's instrumental. whereas happiness or love have intrinsic value. We value the material at the expanse of the human. Our culture breeds self obsession. Think of martians, little men from outer space. Little men. We see them in our own image, but we could never evolve in the same way again. There were too many twists and turns.   
If he were born in the fifties, he would have made a perfect hippie, she thinks.. a natural curiosity, and he loves almost everyone. Well, on the surface he loves almost everyone. And deeper underneath? She thinks he loves no one. When people talk of giving yourself, making a vow, he doens't understand. Committing to an idea, sure, but committing to feeling is another matter entirely. How can anyone tell what the future will hold?   
He closes his eyes so he can hear them fully, high perfect notes that echo out after themselves. The same air in him is the solar system's air. His lungs on an x-ray screen would be midnight blue and filled with a hundred thousand stars. He can see suddenly how all of the world's problems are made by trying to fix things that don't need fixing. That everything has its own inner working, the clown wig and the giant plastic glasses and the spatula and Sumerian mythology. There is no need to decide and especially no need to act.   
Art does not imitate life. Art is much more powerful than that. Art brings life back. And it does it by exposing the secrets we all carry inside.
Jose Raul Bernardo   
I'll restart this broken heart.
I'll fix it up so it will work again,
better than before.
Then I'll star in a mystery;
A tragic tale of all that's yet to come.
With fingers crossed there will be love.   
Now if the tables were turned tell me how you would feel somebody busted up into your house telling you to stay still. While the leaders will deny defeat, innocents they testify by dying in the street. Freedom is seldom found by beating someone to the ground, telling them how everything is gonna be now.   
“Along the way, I’ve learned that you can’t let anyone in too far and you can’t trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you can make is to care or love someone more than yourself, because then you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can protect yourself, because once you’re broken, you’ll never be fully fixed.”   
first four quotes from the book "The Sweet Edge" by Allison Pick.
fabulous book, i definitely reccommend! i'm not too sure if i'm happy or completely lost right now. definitely a little lost, but aren't we all? i have no idea what i'm doing in my life, or where i'm going. and i think i'm okay with that right now. for the first time in a while, i noticed that i've changed. maybe for the better, maybe not. but does it really matter? when we change we can never go back. when something happens, nothing can reverse it. each day is like a chemical reaction, you can tell something has happened because it can never go back to what it was. a new substance has formed; the process cannot be reversed. | | |
| for my poor old heart. "I know about the more in morphine, what it's like to wake and feel like a chalk outline of yourself. I know about days passing so quickly that they don't even wave, let alone stop and say hello. I know it's been one of those months, one of those lifetimes, when you dream of a laundromat, a place to unscrew your skull and toss your dirty thoughts into a machine, come back an hour later, your impulses all folded and clean. If I could, I'd have a scientist shrink me down and inject me into your bloodstream, and I'd go with a wash brush and suds bucket, scrub the opium out each one of your cells. I used to think I was tough because I could hold a machine gun of whiskey to my cranium and take bullet after bullet to the brain. I used to think the greatest display of strength was lifting a hunk of metal in the air, but now I know it's far more difficult to put something down."   
It's just that I didn't want to be somebody's crush.
If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me,
not what they think I am.
And I don't want them to carry it around inside.
I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too."
-the perks of being a wallflower   
"There is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune but omitted, and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat and we must take the current when it serves or lose the ventures before us."
- One Tree Hill   
I had one friend in high school recently he hung himself with string. His note said
"If livin' is the problem, well that's just baffling." And at the wake I waited around to see my ex first love and I barely recognized her, but I knew exactly what she was thinking of
We sat quietly in the corner whispering close about loss and I remembered why I loved her, and I asked her why I drove her off. She said the slow fade of love its soft edge might cut you. And our poor friend, Jim. Well he just lived within the slow fade of love.   
I know we're not saints or virgins or lunatics; we know all the lust and lavatory jokes and most of the dirty people; we can catch buses and count our change and cross the roads and talk real sentences. But our innocence goes awfully deep and our discreditable secret is that we don't know anything at all, and our horrid inner secret is that we don't care.   
But that's the thing about life - it breaks you over and over, and you have to live with the broken places. Knowing they are there. Feeling them every time there's a change or you love someone or miss someone or feel pitifully sorry for someone. -Breathe My Name by R.A. Nelson   
i don't have a fear of commitment; i have a fear of abandonment. we all screw things up. i screw things up, especially with the people i love. i get needy, i get moody, i get distant, i want to be too close. i get confused, i don't understand all of it. but i keep pushing because i hope in this thing, the universe. there's no way i'm the only person out there who wants it this bad. if i want it, someone else out there must too.   
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
- Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert   
When I finally
think I have
found the answers,
you go ahead
and change
the questions - ENJOYYY [: | | |
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i'm cassandra.
i'm fairly simple. nothing special. i'm friendly, so if you want to chat, be my guest [:
comment, sub,
let me know if you'd like to be a vip. 